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To catch the hype wave of summer blockbusters, a hearty group of StarCraft heroes (and villains) ride their superpowers to Helsinki Finland after a year of absences from the Finnish battlegrounds. Gathered under the SHIELD sign of ASUS ROG (and with promises of $25,000 because even superheroes have to eat), they fight for what they believe in and to avenge… well, who knows, most likely the last bastion of StarCraft defense before the international invasion of the Dota 2 skrulls next week.
MC as Iron Man - Like Tony Stark, MC is filthy rich, full of swag and has (or used to have) Iron as his alias. Although his athleticism is on an arguably lower level, he can still beat the crap out of you while giving very little damns in the process.
Vortix as Thor – Coming from the mythical place of Los Asgardos, Vortix is the proud Zerg warrior with the very methodical approach towards beating stuff up. He might lack the finesse of other Zergs but he gets the job done with full force. Just ask any of the players who were dying to his brood lord pushes back in 2012.
Goswser as Captain America – Being the only American at Assembly, Goswser is the logical choice for Captain America. Like the Marvel character, he is often the brightest representative of his country whenever StarCraft superheroes assemble. Unlike the Marvel character, he doesn’t really have any super powers.
Hyun as Hulk – Just like the massive green giant, HyuN is absolutely unstoppable when he gets in the mood. Granted, he’s been known to run out of that “dzen” energy right at the end of the mile, but witnesses of the IPL Fight Club and DH Valencia destruction still remember what Hyun can do.
TLO as Hawkeye – Like Hawkeye’s quiver, TLO is in possession of a myriad of strategies he can utilize as to shoot you, burn you, tie you, explode you and otherwise violate you.
Happy as Black Widow – As in how we feel when thinking of being Scarlett Johansson’s sex toy.
"Serious" box #1:
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24 out of 32 player at Assembly Summer '13 have been invited. San, Socke, Vipro, Pro7ect, DieStar, Goswser, LiveZerg and Revolver are the eight who won their spots by qualifying.
Alicia as War Machine – The next best thing to the Protoss Iron Man MC. Alicia’s silvery costume finely matches his long list of runner-up finishes.
Taeja as Beast – Wearing the blue fur of Team Liquid, Taeja is as powerful as he’s intelligent (though, likely, not as hairy). He may look calm and composed on the outside but on a busy day he’s been seen to savagely beat people, looking cool with his glasses on.
StarDust as the Invisible Woman – Like Mrs Storm, StarDust was practically invisible to the StarCraft followers until he suddenly popped out of the nothing at DreamHack Summer and ripped lots of popular heroes to shreds. Few weeks later, he almost had a repeat of this feat in Valencia, proving he’s more than just a busty pair of force fields and deserves to be a character worthy of attention as far as StarCraft tournaments go.
PiG as Spider Man – Being an Australian, PiG has very likely been bitten by a radioactive spider already.
DongRaeGu as Wolverine – One can easily draw parallels between the iconic Marvel character and the Zerg mastermind but there’s more to both than being one man armies and entities that you just don’t want to fight when they are most vicious. DongRaeGu is for MVP what the Wolverine is for the X-Men as in how you can’t possible think of one and not think of the other.
Targa as Mr. Fantastic – At the beginning, Targa was just a nobody in the wide universe of StarCraft heroes. Then, he took a travel outside the boundaries of our world, went to Australia, and returned with the extraterrestrial knowledge of commanding the Zerg with lethal efficiency.
Pro7ect as Ant Man – He’s been there since the beginning but no one really knows and, frankly, nobody really cares.
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"Serious" box #2:
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This is the first ASUS ROG Assembly tournament since the one in August 2012. The previous one was won by Liquid`Taeja over SK`MC.
Sjow as Grim Reaper – Once upon a time, Sjow fell victim to inconsistent results and went AWOL but recently he came back by consuming a powerful Life force. To not disappear again, however, Show needs to consume equally major energies or risk a return to oblivion.
Lucifron as Loki – The brother of Vortix, God of Thunder, Lucifron is cunning, intelligent and with such a deep understanding of the game that he’s always a step ahead of his enemies. Yet, despite often being the favorite to win, Lucifron is always stopped right before his plans of tournament domination can click in.
Titan as Thanos – Titan and Thanos have more in common than a simple phonological similarity. In fact, the very word “Titan” is deeply weaved into Thanos’ history as in that being his birthplace and the “Mad Titan” being his nickname. In terms of battle techniques, both Titan and Thanos are fans of using force fields and teleportation through space to gain edge over their enemies and are entities to be afraid of, even if they’re merely a two-second appearance at the end of the main show.
"Serious" box #3:
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Author's original intention was to have Samuel Jackson recite the whole text of the article and ending it with "motherfucker". The author may or may not have been shown this .gif by S. Jackson's agent as a response.
