The last two weeks or so have been hell. Both mentally, emotionally, and physically. I have not been able to play the way I wanted to, because my hands are causing me severe pain sometimes. Additionally, my mind is overwhelmed and I can not concentrate on games for more than a few minutes being going into "auto-pilot". My sleep has been troubled too. Constantly waking up in the night and always feeling drained. I often feel "sick" after waking up too, it's a bit bizarre.
I can't even write, my mind is so clouded with so many thoughts. Mainly regarding my life and career in SC2.
GSL Code A is in less than a week, I have builds prepared, but will my hands work properly? Will I still not be able to focus for more than 1minute before getting a wave of depression hitting me? Even if I qualify, I don't deserve it. It would mean I got a lucky run. Because there are so many koreans that will kill each other early or later on, due to the bracket system. And it would mean that my bracket was easier than someone else's, and that is not fair. Even if I do qualify, it's not right. As I write this, there are two terran's in the house better than me. Skit and Tree. What would happen if they got a really hard bracket, and I was to have an easy one, and I qualified over them? Do you know how disgusting I would feel? That my "spot" isn't really deserved?
The only times I can play a lot in the last week, is when I become enraged in anger and self-hatred, that I just constantly play game after game after game until I burn out. Even if this means playing through hand pain.
After GSL I'm supposed to go to Seoul for a few days with a good friend, hopefully this will help relieve my stress.
NoNy (Liquid`Tyler) put it best when he talked about depression, and also the pressure to perform in such a competitive atmosphere. However, I guess one thing that I'm leaving out in this blog, is it sickens me to see players like PuMa and MVP fall to mechanically inferior players. I guess that part of me, from broodwar still has not died. I look at their ladder records with disgust at how players that good, that fast and mechanically sound, still can lose to such randomness. It actually gives me a hopeless feeling, that even such skill sometimes will not be able to outweigh luck/randomness. It really feels like I am an ant, looking up at the sun, expecting some miracle to happen in this game. It is just starting to seem so dark...
My standards for myself, has always been, and will remain, be #1 or be nothing. And seeing myself held back by my own mind and my ever so resistant hands, is just getting under my skin constantly. People can not even begin to fathom what this game means to me. It isn't a game to me anymore, and it hasn't been since June. I'm all-in with Starcraft2, and people can not even begin to realize what that means, nor do I want comments on it.
Highlights I suppose:-
- I feel like I am blinded by my own rage and yet, still, my immaturity in a lot of areas, is making me act impulsively often, and I always regret it.
- About two weeks ago (shortly after the last blog) I met my current best friend in the house, Oasis. And that's probably been the best "highlight" of the last two weeks for me. I can relate to him better than most people, and I also want him to succeed in his dreams, and so, it is pushing me also to get better/learn faster, so that I can help him out more.
- Everyone in the house has been great, and really helpful with anything. The coach continues to be really supportive and a great cook as always ~
- Oasis and Mujjy have taken a really serious interest in learning English, and I sometimes even find Oasis studying/listening to it even when I'm not around. Really just cool to see.
- I feel really friendly/close with everyone, however ashamed when I get into my sad/angry moods probably making some of them uncomfortable.
- It took 4hours to be able to type this. With probably over 50 pauses in the writing of it.
- Hanbin is still gay. (LOLOLOL) (Never gonna change hanbin, never.)
- My standards on good players are so high, that I truthfully believe everyone outside of Nestea, MVP, and PuMa are actually bad. "Bad" being thrown around loosely, and not meant to be taken offensively. However, meant to imply that they are just on a completely different level, classes above everyone else. That due to this "level" existing, everyone below them are in fact extremely terrible. This is my opinion, hope it doesn't offend anyone. I still await the day Take-Bang-Leessang comes to SC2, so people can see real skill.
Will write again soon. Just so overwhelmed. Hopefully after GSL qualifications are over, the mini-vacation, I will be refreshed and better. I suppose a lot of personal things are causing stress too.
This is nothing that I have not gone through before. I am used to it, just so angry that it is happening here in Korea, at the worst possible time too...
As always~
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