"What, what did I? I did nothing! I'll go farther off."
- William Shakespeare, The Tempest, 3.2
- William Shakespeare, The Tempest, 3.2
In the motion picture the Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, the walls of Minas Tirith are protected by mighty catapults which hurl massive slabs of rock into rows of defenseless orcs. They are splattered dozens at a time as the catapults mercilessly cast their load over the walls into the fields below, showing that after all the city can fight back. You probably didn’t notice but a prototype of the new Protoss unit, the Tempest, was also being manned by a team of defenders. If you, like me, are an ardent Lord of the Rings fan, you might be a bit distressed to realize you failed to notice such a crucial element, but in hindsight it’s not that big a deal. In fact 90% of zerg players we’ve interviewed also reported similar oversights, telling us that they “didn’t know toss had tempests” until the GG had been given and they had “started trashing toss for being so bad.”
![6d9de98fdd4ffb1800206e2e411ac90a3c482121981e1ccd4c5a97ce03.jpg]()
The Tempest, or, as players in increasingly larger numbers are beginning to call it, the Pest, is believed by some to be a pacifist fruit fly. The massive exoskeleton suggests this slightly annoying creature has been outfitted with cybernetic implants and the latest Protoss patented Dirigible Drive, allowing for hitherto unimaginable speeds. This presumably compensates for the pacifist insect’s reluctance to engage in acts of open warfare. This theory was further reinforced when a flotilla of Pests was spotted converging on the newly discovered Strawberry Galaxy, though the Protoss Hierarchy vehemently denied such a lapse in their command structure. Hierarch Artanis refused to comment on rumors of a fruit bowl shaped Mothership leading this taskforce.
More conservative members of the Protoss faction have come forward, however, to blow the whistle on what they perceive to be “a blatant misappropriation of Terran biotechnology.” This fruit fly, a harmless insect with a short lifespan compensated by ultrarapid breeding, was originally abducted from a Terran science vessel, which was planning on outfitting the creature with an array of weaponry. Our inside source further commented, “The true sons of Aiur would never steal the technology of their enemies, as that would be not unlike trading Kobe beef for a McDonald’s burger.”
What surprised most political commentators was not so much the origin of the the Pest rather than the Protoss willingness to carry out covert acts of war against Terran facilities, indicating they had already begun to acclimatize themselves to the hit-and-run tactics of the fruit fly. This has lead to not little speculation on how long these plans have been in motion, but it is not surprising that, faced from the beginning with unpliable forces of Broodlords and Terran infantry, the Protoss have become tired of battling these enemies conventionally. They now seem poised to shift to a policy of harassment rather than head on confrontation. The Pest is their first effort in that direction.
But what of the Carrier, once the muscle of their mighty fleets? If Pest field tests prove encouraging, this veteran may be destined for the scrap yard. This retirement may prove short-lived, however, if incoming reports are true. Already opposing forces have taken preventive measures against the Pest. Most notably, the Terran Dominion showcased their new Horse Tail technology, which once complete ought to provide “a simple swatting mechanism.” Covert field tests report a high percentage of efficiency.
Conversely, our infested reporters bring news from the Swarm, who are as of yet providing no comment. They have, however, uncovered certain interesting trends, which we will be covering in the future.
Carrier Trivia!
Carriers are carved out of the mountains of Aiur, their minerals being gathered by holy miner-priests of the Khala, who later engrave each plate of alloy with their psionic-powers. Every interceptor is said to carry the soul of a baby panda waiting to be reborn. You might be surprised to know the Carrier’s engines are completely silent; the typical unearthly hum associated with the vessel is actually a recording of Psionic Rock Music, which sustains the Protoss in battle. The bafflement of many Carrier enthusiasts is easily comprehended.
Graphics by: Petya Kirisheva
This is not a satirical piece, everything happened just the way we described it, and you should take this text very seriously. Gangnam Style!
Also, did you know: Marauder Flanks happen all the time.
The Tempest, or, as players in increasingly larger numbers are beginning to call it, the Pest, is believed by some to be a pacifist fruit fly. The massive exoskeleton suggests this slightly annoying creature has been outfitted with cybernetic implants and the latest Protoss patented Dirigible Drive, allowing for hitherto unimaginable speeds. This presumably compensates for the pacifist insect’s reluctance to engage in acts of open warfare. This theory was further reinforced when a flotilla of Pests was spotted converging on the newly discovered Strawberry Galaxy, though the Protoss Hierarchy vehemently denied such a lapse in their command structure. Hierarch Artanis refused to comment on rumors of a fruit bowl shaped Mothership leading this taskforce.
More conservative members of the Protoss faction have come forward, however, to blow the whistle on what they perceive to be “a blatant misappropriation of Terran biotechnology.” This fruit fly, a harmless insect with a short lifespan compensated by ultrarapid breeding, was originally abducted from a Terran science vessel, which was planning on outfitting the creature with an array of weaponry. Our inside source further commented, “The true sons of Aiur would never steal the technology of their enemies, as that would be not unlike trading Kobe beef for a McDonald’s burger.”
What surprised most political commentators was not so much the origin of the the Pest rather than the Protoss willingness to carry out covert acts of war against Terran facilities, indicating they had already begun to acclimatize themselves to the hit-and-run tactics of the fruit fly. This has lead to not little speculation on how long these plans have been in motion, but it is not surprising that, faced from the beginning with unpliable forces of Broodlords and Terran infantry, the Protoss have become tired of battling these enemies conventionally. They now seem poised to shift to a policy of harassment rather than head on confrontation. The Pest is their first effort in that direction.
But what of the Carrier, once the muscle of their mighty fleets? If Pest field tests prove encouraging, this veteran may be destined for the scrap yard. This retirement may prove short-lived, however, if incoming reports are true. Already opposing forces have taken preventive measures against the Pest. Most notably, the Terran Dominion showcased their new Horse Tail technology, which once complete ought to provide “a simple swatting mechanism.” Covert field tests report a high percentage of efficiency.
Conversely, our infested reporters bring news from the Swarm, who are as of yet providing no comment. They have, however, uncovered certain interesting trends, which we will be covering in the future.
Carrier Trivia!
Carriers are carved out of the mountains of Aiur, their minerals being gathered by holy miner-priests of the Khala, who later engrave each plate of alloy with their psionic-powers. Every interceptor is said to carry the soul of a baby panda waiting to be reborn. You might be surprised to know the Carrier’s engines are completely silent; the typical unearthly hum associated with the vessel is actually a recording of Psionic Rock Music, which sustains the Protoss in battle. The bafflement of many Carrier enthusiasts is easily comprehended.
Graphics by: Petya Kirisheva
This is not a satirical piece, everything happened just the way we described it, and you should take this text very seriously. Gangnam Style!
Also, did you know: Marauder Flanks happen all the time.
![[Op-Ed] Women in competitive gaming – why are there so few?](https://static.gosugamers.net/8f/c9/2c/df69cf93db41c27a46978529e01614f38e0bfb80888132ac95fd3f89fb.jpg?w=1600)
