HouseCup champion puzzled after not getting signed by Archon
Up-and-coming Hearthstone player Frederik “Hoej” Nielsen was genuinely surprised when he got home the same way he went to HouseCup #2 – teamless. The young Dane made the headlines this weekend as he defeated many a formidable opponent to win the trophy in Stockholm. For all the success, however, his face on the victory photograph was oozing befuddlement after he didn’t immediately get signed by Archon.
“I followed Orange’s instructions step-by-step”, Hoej confessed, his voice almost trembling. “I’m a young blond kid from a Nordic country who won a qualifier, went to a big event, beat an Archon player and won the championship. Yet the call from Amaz is not coming and I’m starting to get frustrated.”
Hoej is not the only person shocked by Archon’s lack of action. Journalists and analysts fully expected that the poster boys of Hearthstone would get yet another member after HouseCup #2, following the trend of signing anybody who can play Hunter and/or have Dr. Boom in their collection.
Sources close to Archon, however, told GosuGamers it wasn’t for lack of intent that Hoej was not approached. The team’s finances are allegedly running low as they recently employed a coach, a cook, a gardener, a hot tub guy, a sandwich lady, a high-school hacker, a PR guy and a special guy to fix PR guy’s PR disasters. Archon are also said to be saving money to buy an actual copy of Photoshop for their web designer to maybe use sometimes.
“Basically, G2A’s accountant came back from holiday on Monday and demanded to know where all their money were going,” the same source said. “He also asked to see our business plan so we’re trying to figure out what exactly that is.”
Greek pro player becomes savior of domestic economy
Hearthstone progamer Apostolos Karaiskos a.k.a. Hawkeye was greeted with bread, butter and bitches upon his arrival in his home country of Greece after what was a successful trip to Hangzhou, China. Hawkeye forged a true Cinderella story for himself, beating three Chinese powerhouses to win €10,000 and become Greece’s national hero overnight.
“Hawkeye’s winnings now make for 90% of the country’s GDP,” said Yarus Varoufakis, who recently quit his job at Valve Entertainment in order to manage smaller scale economies as his country’s Minister of Finance. “We’re very happy for him and for his victory, but most of all – for us.”
Despite the warm welcome by his compatriots, Hawkeye has already reportedly had several altercations with governmental institutions.
“Being the only Greek citizen who’s earned more than €1,000 in his life-time, we’re not exactly sure how to tax his income,” a clerk in the Ministry of Finance explained. “We’re being told that our Prime Minister Mrs. Merkel is already working on a solution.”
Dramatic investigation prompts the invention of new personality scale
A detective thriller story worthy of the pages of James Rollins - or rather someone actually good - told a tale of mischief, deceit and a ravishing femme fatale at the centre of it all. Following a gruelling months-long investigation conducted for some reason, a South Korean female gamer was nearly exposed to be a guy, or not a guy, or North Korean, or several guys or something equally shocking.
In a Shyamalanesque plot twist, however, the guns turned back on the brave detectives who initially shed light on the culprit in the aftermath of the event, in turn exposing them to be not as just as they posed. The end result was utter confusion among the gaming communities - and reddit in particular - who were not really used to seeing such changes of characters, messing up with their canonical beliefs. In these times of desperation, shaken values and growing need of classifying uncharted behaviors, these communities turned to science.
“We’re living in dynamic and chaotic times, but that doesn’t mean our personality scales should be the same way,” stated one Yane Andreevski, a PhD from Macedonia’s University of Invented History. “The new ‘dipshit scale’ grades anybody on the internet in a simple and recognizable manner.”
The ‘dipshit scale’ is expected to revolutionise how Reddit prosecutions are carried out, Andreevski elaborated. Depending on one’s behavior, a redditor will be ‘tagged’ with a certain dipshit number, which signifies his past history and relation to previous reddit offenders. The first grades of the scale are also named after prominent members of the community.
“From #1 to #5, the levels are nicknamed, as follows, Specialist, Blackout, Chakki, Celerity and Jab. Nobody has ever reached level #6 so we don’t have a nickname for that yet but maybe GoodGaming or HearthstoneOpen will host another tournament soon and we’ll get it,” Andreevski hopes.
Despite their dedicated involvement in inventing and perfecting the dipshit scale, Andreevski and his research team are still not sure if being dipshit #1 is the best or the worst, especially after being bombarded with angry mail from users complaining about being “only dipshit #2”.
This is homage to other homages. If my words made you laugh, follow me @GGNydra.
