BroodWar Riots

StarCraft Roy “Phantom” Kwan

A satire into the world of StarCraft Patches. So be warned, not all that seems is news. Patches have come and gone, some are better than others, some bring as many new bugs as solutions, but we should never forget that with every new patch, our game continues to thrive and improve.

With the 1.13d patch to StarCraft: BroodWar, we could finally create Infested Terrans once again. Not only did this patch fix the horrific glitch, it also quickly reminded us once again of how useless the Infested Terrans were. This patch has awoken the battle between Blizzard and the Infested Terran.

Already dozens of Infested Terrans have parked themselves outside of the Anaheim Convention Center, protesting and asking for Blizzard to make them more useful. This is not a surprise, says a Blizzard rep, "We have always known that the Infested Terrans were bound to blow up in our faces eventually, it was just a matter of time…and vespene gas." When I tried to speak directly to one of the protestors they had this to say, "My life for the swarm!" I asked him, "Why the blind faith?" and he quickly proceeded to chase me off, threatening to blow me up.

With both sides interviewed I went to seek out a professional opinion from Dr. Orp Gerz, PhD in Zergonomics. "The problem is not the fact that they aren’t able to be created, it’s the fact no one wants to create them! They made more sense in patch 1.13c then they do now, they were FIXED in 1.13c." This argument is shared by many players in the world of StarCraft, but it doesn't look like Blizzard will change much about them. Orp Gerz continues, "They cost 100 minerals and 50 gas, sure they are cheap, they sure beat making 1 Mutalisk, but who wants to infest a Command Center just for them?!" At this point the doctor broke into a mad rampage, and I quickly sedated him with a tranquilizer. Now in his half drunken state he continued, "Well you see…I like Infested Terrans…they make me…feel funny. Look, if you want to fix them, I say…infest Barracks too! It only makes sense." With that last comment the doctor collapsed on the floor.

After considering the facts, I’ve decided, it’s best to let the Infested know that, Blizzcon won’t happen for another 2 months. But then again, who could stop these brave yet mixed up hybrids, confused even. They're as confused as pre-pubescent boys slowly becoming of age. Oh, the questions they must ask themselves; where do we belong? Why am I having explosive dreams? Why am I growing hair in scaly areas I've never had before? This is really more a story of their coming of age and finally being useful in StarCraft, so please help the Infested Terrans on their march for usefulness, support the cause, as I do my part and join in with the crowd of protestors.

"One, two, three, four, Blizzard make us reign in gore!
Five, six, seven, eight, players don’t appreciate!"

Later the same day that Blizzard released 1.13e, a hopeful silence swept through the parking lot outside the Anaheim Stadium as the Infested Terrans and I waited for the patch details. It read like this:

Starcraft and Brood War Patch Information

- patch 1.13e

- Fixed several bugs that contributed to game exploits.

Silence, again, this time it was a haunting chilling type of silence. No one spoke until a cheer was heard from afar. We all wondered what it could have been, for just a few parking lots away were the S.U.C., the SCV Union Coalition.

Loud cheers could be heard for miles around the Anaheim center. It seems that with the release of 1.13e the SCV’s were now needed again. Apparently even with the release of 1.13d there was still a growing problem with the 30,000 mineral fiascos. It was putting SCVs out of mining work since minerals were no longer mined, but instead they were performed by miracles, not the usual water into wine miracles, it was the changing of StarCraft code kind of miracles.

Now that 1.13e had finally gotten rid of that nonsense, the SCVs were able to do their jobs once again. "I'm really, really happy about this fix up that Blizzard did!" explained a SCV personnel amongst all the cheering and singing, "I was so down when the whole mineral "hack" thing happened, but now that it is fixed, I am so happy. I really do feel bad for those Infested Terrans sitting over there. First, they are turned into these disgusting things, and now no one will even use them." This feeling seemed to be shared by many of the SCVs and when asked to comment on this an Infested Terran just simply exploded.

Paul Sams, Blizzzard CEO, seen here shaking hands with an SCV Worker

No doubt their undying hatred was growing towards Blizzard for Blizzard’s lack of action, that’s why they decided to chase the SCVs down the street. It was actually quite funny; you really had to be there. As for this journalist, that was enough for one day; drunken professors, happy SCVs, and of course those sad lonely Infested Terran. My heart goes out to every one of those short fused soldiers.
Roy “Phantom” Kwan