'We just wanted to win.'

General Dexter “kurtcos” F

The following was authored by ZSMJ as he sums up the entirety of his career in DotA and his thoughts about his time in LGD.

China ZSMJ

Sometime around the end of 2008, I picked up DotA along with Dai (X!!).

During the first half of 2009, I met benz and PDP at 1F and through them, I was introduced to 2009, who was then '9-God' and the captain of FTD. I got lucky and won him in a solo mid match - soon enough, I began my DotA career.

At SMM '09, FTD shot to fame. Since then, I started earning the nickname 'Z-God' and I picked up many fans and their support along the way. I was happy, but at the same time, I reminded myself to be prudent and modest.

On August of 2010, 9-God announced his retirement, and all of a sudden, the weight of LGD rested on my shoulders - the weight of everyone's expectations for us rested on my shoulders.

Next year, on September of 2011, YYF and co left LGD. I was deeply upset and depressed.

In September, Xiao8 joined the team - we spent the next two months trying to get in sync with one another. I am very touched and indeed I treasure the memories and sense of brotherhood that we shared.

November 11, 2011 - we failed to make top four at WDC. I saw the disappointment in my teammates' eyes - I was overwhelmed with guilt.

Now, on November of 2011, I announce my departure from LGD. From FTD to LGD, I have spent a total of 26 months.

Initially, no matter how upset I felt or how beaten down I was, I told myself to stick it through because there were so many people who supported me, who supported us. Watching EHOME, Nirvana.cn and LGD get repeatedly torn apart by transfers, I questioned myself whether this wass good for the eSports scene or not - I really don't know.

All I know is, I really miss that period of time where EHOME and LGD were neck to neck in all our clashes. It was not for the cash prizes, neither was it for the glory - it was because we just wanted to win.

LGD symbolized what it meant to believe in something; it symbolized what it meant to fight on.

People used to say that LGD symbolized what it meant to believe in something; it symbolized what it meant to fight on. Even if we were faced with loss, they would still support LGD. And similarly, I would always tell myself, 'You must work hard and take things seriously, if not you will just let everyone down.'

But then it hit me - no matter how serious I was or how hard I tried, the result(s) never seemed to satisfy me.

I'm not afraid of people questioning my ability, but the minute I see people questioning my attitude, I cannot help but lose it. I tell myself, 'Either you win or you leave, because the other four guys certainly don't deserve to lose given what they're capable of.'

This was most evident at WDC - everyone on the team had put in so much effort, but what we achieved in the end was a giant let-down - a surprise. I made unforgivable errors in judgment, and it led to us not getting the right items out.

When I look back, I place blame on myself for being in the wrong frame of mind.

When I look back, I place blame on myself not being able to face the stress of competition and being in the wrong frame of mind. And, when I think of how much they have sacrificed to get to Changsha and play at my side - all the more I feel that I should not drag them down any further.

Back then, we would start practice in the afternoon, and if the other teams were not awake yet, we would work on laning against each other or play pubs on our own. Here I would just like to give a special mention to DDC - seeing how he was experimenting with ward positions in the middle of the night, it riddled me with emotion. No matter who it was in the team, we all longed for the championship that was so sorely ours.

I really need a break right now.

I hope you guys will understand; I really need a break right now, especially to adjust my current state of mind. Entering another rigorous training regimen will not solve my                                                        problems this time.

I am honestly grateful towards all those who have been supporting me, believing in me, and my friends who have never once given up on me. Every time we lost, I take your words of encouragement very seriously; even if I do not respond, or do not do so immediately, trust me - I am truly moved.

To me, the most valuable possession one could have is not a 3800g Sacred Relic, but you guys.

To me, the most valuable possession one could have is not a 3800g Sacred Relic, but you guys. But taking into consideration an entire team, results definitely come first. We agreed on some changes which do not necessarily mean I'm not good enough, or that the problem rests with them. I just feel that a switch of players may just be the spark our team needed to perform at its peak.

So, once again, I ask that you continue supporting LGD, and like me, stay on as LGD's most endearing supporter! I trust that they will not disappoint us.

SGamer - Original Article