It's 2020 and Your Team SUCKS! - TSM
Some people are fans of TSM. But many, many more people are NOT fans of TSM. This 2020 LCS team preview is for those in the latter group. This is meant to be a parody of Deadspin's WYTS NFL team previews. I'm a salty LCS Redditor who's near the end of his rope watching these teams shoot themselves in their collective feet, so I drank a couple malts and made this. I might make more. Enjoy.
Your 2019 record: Last year's TSM put a master class of how to fuck up a talented roster, just like America's team, the Dallas Cowboys. Regi is like the esports version of Jerry Jones, only with 1/100th the wealth, and 1/100th the managerial skill to boot. If only he was as much as a party animal as Jerruh.
In 2018 the Zven/Mithy experiment went up in flames, and TSM immediately bounced both old man Mithy and slightly-less-old man Hauntzer and went looking for some more...imports! Like any other import aside from Bjerg has worked out for them, lul. Instead of going out and getting a high-dollar Korean like Flame, or Kiin, or MaRin (just kidding), they dive into to Turkey-land and acquire TF Blade Broken Blade, an 18 year old prodigy. Uhh, ok. Immediately TSM fans were hailing him as their new top lane lord and saviour, shitting on anyone who dares question dear leader's actions.
BB could int every game, going 0/5 and I'd still want him on the team. His attitude was something the team sorely missed last year. He's the glue that holds everything together. He's also a monster. Just needs to show he can match up against licorice plz
That random dude trash talking on hotline league, boy is that the icing on the cake. Turkish power styling on these NA noobs.
That wasn't me btw
"I didn't come to NA to take part, I came to take over"
Broken Blade McGregor
Now freshly capped out on import slots, they sign Echo Fox's leftover support and Grig (who's name is totally random btw), and the roster is complete...until RN-Jesus demand's Grig's wrist as sacrifice. He's promptly replaced by Akaadian, former Optic jungler and LCS's most eligible bachelor. But this isn't Temptation Paradise, this is LCS, and there are no love games here (at least not until later in the season).
Spring Split, starts out slow, until they get a style down (camp for BB, and pray) and gain top 3 regular season finish. After taking out C9 in a 5 game series, they come to St. Louis (weird flex Riot, but OK) and go up 2-0 on TL before getting reverse swept because they didn't want to spend a ban on Varus/Tahm Kench. Doublelift and CoreJJ literally carried that entire sweep on Varus/TK and not once did anyone say "fuck it, just ban it." Goddamnit.
Summertime. RN-Jesus has had his fill and Grig is ready to go. Now TSM has to choose which jungler to run with, and here's where management starts to blow diarrhea all over the bed. The coaching staff immediately starts to waffle, costing the team synergy and meaningful wins. They still finish 10-8, still good enough for 4th because NA is a meme. Akaadian has some kind of fallout w/ Zven (maybe for raw-dogging his GF or something, idk) and Grig is playing like he has no hands. So Regi goes full JERRUH and makes the executive decision (against Zikz's wishes btw) to start Spica, talented rookie with an also questionable name. The team promptly implodes with an embarrassing 3-1 loss to Clutch in a drubbing that made even Loco SMH.
Queue gauntlet. Team is still shit, nothing's been fixed, but at least they get a re-match vs Clutch for a spot at worlds. Bjergsen will carry in those high pressure moments, right? Right????? hahahNo. Next comes one of the most embarrassing reverse sweeps I've ever seen in League. That loss would make even the staunchest TSM fan's faith waver.
No worlds for the 2nd year in a row. What a joke. But JERRUH Regi will still make money, so who cares.
Your Coach: Peter Zhang, Lustboy, and Plop Goldman. In a way, I feel for Peter, he's not in a good spot. Working for TSM sucks, just ask their former coach. Just like Jason Garrett, you're constantly at the mercy of the owner, and the moment things start going south, your power is usurped and the writing on the wall. TSM's coaching job has been a revolving door, much like their laundry list of junglers. Well no one else wanted the job, and it's a paycheck, so it's not all bad, right? We'll see after Week 6.
What's new that sucks: Ayyyy, the forgotten son has returned! After a year in Academy hell as purgatory for his starring role in TL: Breaking Point, Dardoch is back as this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. If anyone has the skill to beat back demons and make magic out of this sorry team, it's Dardoch. Big D is "reformed" from his TL days and has plenty of talent to work with in both solo and bot lanes. It's been lauded as a "high upside" move, but so was my timeshare in a condo in Minnesota, and that worked out just great. Kobbe also comes across the river after bouncing Zven for choking and trading Biofrost for not having bad Heimlich Maneuver technique. Kobbe i$ totally here to $ucceed, win LC$ and make world$, and totally not to capitalize off of making worlds to pad his 401k while his stock is the highest. Nope, no siree. Oh, and Biofrost is back. Whoop.
What has always sucked: Every year, we ask if this is the final straw that breaks the camel's back. Is Bjergsen ever going to take a stand and get the fuck out of this org? Surely this latest failure that will make him realize that the grasses might be greener on the other side! How about going to TL and making a super team? Going back to EU? Nope. Maybe it's the food, or the hunnies, or the absolute thrall he has over TSM that has him coming back, but I fear that beard man is a TSM lifer, for better or worse. I'm still confident he can rock mid lane despite having lost a step, but how well his supporting cast will do, now that's what's got everyone worried.
What might not suck: TSM drama is always fucking hilarious. Maybe someday players will realize that being on TSM isn't all it's cracked up to be and stop being punching bags and scapegoats for management and fans to shield themselves from any sort of consequences. I'd say Regi should sell the team, but he's part of the Three Amigos w/ Steve & Jack, so like there's a chance in hell that'd ever happen. Can't wait for more money flinging followed by above average results in LCS followed by (if we're lucky) another 2-4 flop out in groups. Fun times for all.
HEAR IT FROM TSM FANS!
"Team SoloMid" perfectly named for a team that only gives a shit about their mid laner.
It was such a great call to bring Regi in with his great expertise. He always makes amazing decisions.
TSM 101 on how to ruin a junglers career.
Chapter 1 "Junglers are like toilet paper"
did we throw a series just to prove a point about aatrox
Shameful management of the team. Parth really fucked up. That was probably the worst jungle performance since MY and it's really not Spica's fault. 100% of the blame lies on Parth for putting him there. Shame shame shame. Fuck this
Imagine being such a joke of a team that they legit pick kogmaw in game 5 because they just know we wont even try to touch Kog until he has his items and 1v5's the game, and i dont even have words for those barons dude. Just.. idk. Wtf. delete org
When bjerg goes to another team, I'm gonna follow him. The mismanagement of this team this year, akaadian situation, coaching. All of it. I can't do it anymore.
Parth as a GM has been the worst thing to happen to this team. Has 0 basic common sense on how pro teams perform. He took two experienced junglers and replaced him with an academy player on the last week of LCS.
Like, wtf, how do you expect a better performance on very high stressful situations from a kid who has 0 experience. I dont blame Spica, I blame the moron Parth for putting him and the team in that position.
One of the worst parts of all this is that TSM had a really good position before, everyone wanted to play for TSM. Now they don't really have an edge on branding, no edge on infrastructure, coaching, top player interest, etc...but still you have to deal with more stress and grinding than possibly any other org in this league or others. What used to make it easy to form new rebuilds isn't there anymore, now they just have money and that's not an edge since every org has that, TL being the one who seems to flex it the most and well.
I WANT TSM AT MY FUNERAL SO THEY CAN LET ME DOWN ONE MORE TIME
Us fans who stick with the team season after season deserve to know why they benched akaadian a week before playoffs and 1-2 weeks after we said he was our jg. The only reason seems to be he was either mentally ill (suicidal) or fucking somebody's girlfriend on the team. "oh he wasn't performing well" my ass you need to be more transparent with your fucking fans year after year.
edit: you are a multimillion dollar corp with investors and huge standing in the industry and are putting in a new jg a week before the most important matches of the year and just saying "oh hes played better than them in scrims" being able to say whatever because scrims are such a good scapegoat and then having him play sej every game just to play a new champ cause we cant ban/handle the opposing team playing it when he clearly is not comfortable on it. Jesus need to act like big boys and explain to your customers why ur company is declining.
This article is meant to be tongue-in-cheek, so don't get pissy at me about it. To be honest, if you get mad at a random redditor's opinion, you've got bigger problems, lol. lmk what team you want me to roast next.1,175 Read the full article on Reddit