"Our new System determines instantly your odds of winning or losing a game"
Riot games has, once again, found itself in the hot seat over Clash issues.
Before, the servers were all shut down in an announcement that came hours before the live date--Riot explained that this was done to extol the values of friendship across "job obligations, economic or social divides, and distance." The disappointed League community received the news with a mix between confusion and excruciating evaporation at the idea of making friends.
Now, users are up in arms over a new problem: after joining a Clash tournament, players are instantly winning or instantly losing their games, with all the rewards or punishments tied to each.
"It's crazy!" Complains one gamer on reddit. "My wife and I got a divorce because I wouldn't let that silver 5 witch play support on my Clash team. So is Riot saying that I threw away my favorite pillow over nothing?"
Riot Jamie--for the second time in a month--has taken a podium in front of Riot Headquarters in the projects of L.A (where indie game studios live) to explain what's going on. Here is his statement:
Here at Riot games, we love to solve problems and kill memes. One problem our players have is the length of games. Twenty minute to forty minute games? Resident Sleeper, am I right!
To fix this, we have integrated a system into Clash we hope to test and improve. Easy Game is a program that determines, based on several factors, whether you deserve to win or lose at League of Legends. We hope the instant feedback helps streamline the League of Legends process.
Riot released a list of factors that determine the outcome of a match:
Width of your shoulders
How many Marvel movies you have watched
Opinion of Teemo
How many reddit threads you have made about bot lane
How many reddit comments you have made about how ridiculous it is that everyone is posting about bot lane
How many significant others you have had in the last six months
Ability to recite lines from V for Vendetta (in character)
If you fit Riot's algorithm, a selected amount of League matches will automatically end in victory. If you have experienced an issue losing at Clash without playing, please go watch Spider Man: Homecoming again and do some reps for your shoulders.
Disaster has broken out at Riot Game's HQ after Easy Game, their new bot that can determine your odds of winning a League match has obtained a taste for human blood. The bot superseded its original function and now attempts to decide, in an instant, whether you are a 'winner at life' or a 'loser at life.' The latter are promptly disintegrated.
This coincides with the game company's attempt to integrate immersive ads into their bot. These ads were intended to make players buy products to win more games of League of Legends. Your best chance to survive the onslaught of Easy Game, therefore, is to consume as much Doritos and Mountain Dew as humanly possible.
Needless to say, Clash has been cancelled.